thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
