maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
