We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
