my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
