why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
