It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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