Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Of course I have a pirate flag
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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