Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
she peed on how many people?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
