Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
