Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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