My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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