Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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