The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I will be naked everywhere
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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