i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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