I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
