GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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