zippers are such a cool invention
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
