im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Randomize
