I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
