we have pet lesbian snakes
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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