We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
