you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
