it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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