Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
