just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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