I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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