My Higher Power is John Stamos
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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