i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
