Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
