I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
