i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize