Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
