hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We left an ass print on the piano.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
