hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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