ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
They have beer where we have blood.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
