I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
