I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
