We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
