you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
