Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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