I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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