i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
