I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
