just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
