If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
