Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
