Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
