Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
