In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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