she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
