Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
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